A Series of Unfortunate events that lead me to ask - Who am I???
Who am I??? This is a question I ask myself a lot; practically every time I look in the mirror or my ears hear the sound of my own voice on one of my 'bad days'
I will try an explain the more complex side of my own question and that written above further into this but first I'll start with the basics about me.
Picture from 2 years ago
I'm Sarah I'm 35 years old, I Married the love of my life 4 years ago and we are lucky enough to own our home, meaning we can indulge our weakness for cute pets.
Currently residing with us is our Grumble (Grumble is a term used for a group of 3 pugs or more) We have 3 ranging in age from 18 months to 6 years old. We also currently have 7 Cats, 2 Turtles and a very lovely Hamster.
These are not just pets, they are our fuzzy/scaly children.
I am fortunate to work in a job that I adore with people who are more family than colleagues and friends. And to the outside world looking in on my social media and if they were to pass me in the street, I suppose my life could look pretty perfect. I love my life and in many ways I am very lucky, but all is not perfect, in fact far from it!
5 Years ago me and my then fiance (now husband) decided we would like to have a baby. Like most couples in love and carried away by the dreams of a family we were so excited when 3 months after we began trying we got our big fat positive, I felt amazing and I could not foresee what would happen 2 weeks later.
I was on my way into work but was having terrible stomach pains and feeling positively terrible but didn't really know whether it was normal or not, so I carried on until **Disclaimer TMI in the next few sentences**
......Until I went to the toilet to wee and as I wiped I saw blood on the tissue. I panicked and was made an appointment at the early pregnancy unit at my local hospital. There wasn't much they could do other than an internal scan due to being only 6 weeks pregnant and they took my bloods. The scan was not great, they couldn't see anything but I was told to rest and it was still early and to come back in 72 hours for more blood tests.
I went back but the results weren't good, they were not doubling as they would in a healthy 'viable' pregnancy is what they explained but once again sent home uncomfortable, upset and bleeding heavier than before. The next 72 hours were terrible for us and we knew deep in our hearts that our baby was not to be, we had a conversation with the Dr and he confirmed our fears. Only my body continued to fight and this meant visits to the EPU 4 times a week for 3 weeks before finally having an injection to help clear the remaining pregnancy tissue.
Because of this injection we had to wait 6 months before we could 'try again' This was okay as we didn't feel ready to try again so soon after our loss anyway. When the wait was over we were ready and optimistic to try again after all we had read all the statistics of successful pregnancies following a miscarriage etc. Here is where our troubles really began as it took us around a year to conceive again, but we were so pleased and full of hope. Once again only 5 days after a positive test I started with pain and bleeding. I knew there was something wrong and again went up to the EPU. It was here they confirmed our second loss.
I'm sure by now you can see where this is going, but as in Lemony Snickets series of unfortunate events, it gets much worse.
"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." - Lemony Snicket
I am Sarah, I am 1 in 100... I was diagnosed with recurrent miscarriage after our second loss, with a treatment plan in place.
For those who don't know much about it, Recurrent miscarriage refers to consecutive pregnancy losses. Testing is normally done after 3 losses but due to me losing a baby when I was 18 years old they ran the tests after our 2.
Getting pregnant again took way longer than expected and 20 months later we got the good news, I started treatment and all seemed well. I felt sick and fatigued, all the symptoms you want when you are doing everything in your power to look after that tiny little seed of a baby and your own sanity.
I was injecting myself 2 times per day as the doctor prescribed, taking my aspirin, resting, getting all the vitamins, but again we faced our 3rd loss.
That was 2 years and one month ago and it still hurts to this day.
I was diagnosed with anovulatory infertility in December 2018 and we are currently having treatment to help us make a baby. (Many more posts to follow I promise!)
I consider myself a strong person, and I'd go as far as to say resilient and possibly even stubborn, just like my late Granddad. But I have to say the 3rd loss broke me and I have a full mental breakdown, I actually thought I must be the worst person in the world to deserve all the terrible shit life was throwing at me. This is obviously ludicrous and my 'on the mend' self says this is utter bull and that life cannot be controlled, there is no fate or karma or at least not in the form we are led to believe.
At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey. - Lemony Snicket
After 2 years of ups and downs, medications, therapies and trips to the local Buddhist centre on my quest to wellness; I feel more 'myself' than not, which I see as a tiny victory.
But to put into context my question at the beginning of this, who am I??
I have times where I see myself as if I am watching a stranger playing at having a life, I hear my own voice and think it doesn't sound like me, or I hear the words come out and wonder if they really are how I feel or if I am simply on auto pilot, am I feeling at all?! I used to think it was just me that felt this way, but I have some amazing people surrounding me that tell me it's not completely bonkers and it's something some of them have experienced too after the traumas in their lives.
So to answer my own question WHO AM I?? -
I am me, an ever changing version of myself; making the best situation out of what life decided to deal me! I AM STRONG, LOVED, FIERCE & STUBBORN... yes definitely taking after my Granddad; stubborn which to me means I find the courage to continue!! and for that I allow myself to feel a little proud.
Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.- Lemony Snicket
Much Love & My very Happiest Wishes to you all
Sarah
XOXO
I will try an explain the more complex side of my own question and that written above further into this but first I'll start with the basics about me.
I'm Sarah I'm 35 years old, I Married the love of my life 4 years ago and we are lucky enough to own our home, meaning we can indulge our weakness for cute pets.
Currently residing with us is our Grumble (Grumble is a term used for a group of 3 pugs or more) We have 3 ranging in age from 18 months to 6 years old. We also currently have 7 Cats, 2 Turtles and a very lovely Hamster.
These are not just pets, they are our fuzzy/scaly children.
I am fortunate to work in a job that I adore with people who are more family than colleagues and friends. And to the outside world looking in on my social media and if they were to pass me in the street, I suppose my life could look pretty perfect. I love my life and in many ways I am very lucky, but all is not perfect, in fact far from it!
5 Years ago me and my then fiance (now husband) decided we would like to have a baby. Like most couples in love and carried away by the dreams of a family we were so excited when 3 months after we began trying we got our big fat positive, I felt amazing and I could not foresee what would happen 2 weeks later.
I was on my way into work but was having terrible stomach pains and feeling positively terrible but didn't really know whether it was normal or not, so I carried on until **Disclaimer TMI in the next few sentences**
......Until I went to the toilet to wee and as I wiped I saw blood on the tissue. I panicked and was made an appointment at the early pregnancy unit at my local hospital. There wasn't much they could do other than an internal scan due to being only 6 weeks pregnant and they took my bloods. The scan was not great, they couldn't see anything but I was told to rest and it was still early and to come back in 72 hours for more blood tests.
I went back but the results weren't good, they were not doubling as they would in a healthy 'viable' pregnancy is what they explained but once again sent home uncomfortable, upset and bleeding heavier than before. The next 72 hours were terrible for us and we knew deep in our hearts that our baby was not to be, we had a conversation with the Dr and he confirmed our fears. Only my body continued to fight and this meant visits to the EPU 4 times a week for 3 weeks before finally having an injection to help clear the remaining pregnancy tissue.
Because of this injection we had to wait 6 months before we could 'try again' This was okay as we didn't feel ready to try again so soon after our loss anyway. When the wait was over we were ready and optimistic to try again after all we had read all the statistics of successful pregnancies following a miscarriage etc. Here is where our troubles really began as it took us around a year to conceive again, but we were so pleased and full of hope. Once again only 5 days after a positive test I started with pain and bleeding. I knew there was something wrong and again went up to the EPU. It was here they confirmed our second loss.
I'm sure by now you can see where this is going, but as in Lemony Snickets series of unfortunate events, it gets much worse.
"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant, filled with odd waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." - Lemony Snicket
I am Sarah, I am 1 in 100... I was diagnosed with recurrent miscarriage after our second loss, with a treatment plan in place.
For those who don't know much about it, Recurrent miscarriage refers to consecutive pregnancy losses. Testing is normally done after 3 losses but due to me losing a baby when I was 18 years old they ran the tests after our 2.
Getting pregnant again took way longer than expected and 20 months later we got the good news, I started treatment and all seemed well. I felt sick and fatigued, all the symptoms you want when you are doing everything in your power to look after that tiny little seed of a baby and your own sanity.
I was injecting myself 2 times per day as the doctor prescribed, taking my aspirin, resting, getting all the vitamins, but again we faced our 3rd loss.
That was 2 years and one month ago and it still hurts to this day.
I was diagnosed with anovulatory infertility in December 2018 and we are currently having treatment to help us make a baby. (Many more posts to follow I promise!)
I consider myself a strong person, and I'd go as far as to say resilient and possibly even stubborn, just like my late Granddad. But I have to say the 3rd loss broke me and I have a full mental breakdown, I actually thought I must be the worst person in the world to deserve all the terrible shit life was throwing at me. This is obviously ludicrous and my 'on the mend' self says this is utter bull and that life cannot be controlled, there is no fate or karma or at least not in the form we are led to believe.
At times the world may seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. and what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may in fact be the first steps of a journey. - Lemony Snicket
After 2 years of ups and downs, medications, therapies and trips to the local Buddhist centre on my quest to wellness; I feel more 'myself' than not, which I see as a tiny victory.
But to put into context my question at the beginning of this, who am I??
I have times where I see myself as if I am watching a stranger playing at having a life, I hear my own voice and think it doesn't sound like me, or I hear the words come out and wonder if they really are how I feel or if I am simply on auto pilot, am I feeling at all?! I used to think it was just me that felt this way, but I have some amazing people surrounding me that tell me it's not completely bonkers and it's something some of them have experienced too after the traumas in their lives.
So to answer my own question WHO AM I?? -
I am me, an ever changing version of myself; making the best situation out of what life decided to deal me! I AM STRONG, LOVED, FIERCE & STUBBORN... yes definitely taking after my Granddad; stubborn which to me means I find the courage to continue!! and for that I allow myself to feel a little proud.
Strange as it may seem, I still hope for the best, even though the best, like an interesting piece of mail, so rarely arrives, and even when it does it can be lost so easily.- Lemony Snicket
Much Love & My very Happiest Wishes to you all
Sarah
XOXO
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